BPD exaggerates…

…it doesn’t invent!

Apologies for the lack of blog last week but it was the Easter Holidays and I had the Porglets. I was kept so busy with the pair of them that switching on a computer never came into the equation!

We had a trip to a castle; we took the dog for a walk; we went on Easter bunny hunts; we went round a couple of museums. The usual things a family does on a holiday, and I had to keep reminding myself that “normal” families get tired too. By the time Friday came round, I was knackered, and my back/rib muscles started playing up on Sunday night to complete the “mummy needs a holiday to recover from the holiday” look.

Sometimes, with knowing my diagnosis so well, it’s easy for me to pin all my emotions and feelings on the BPD and forget other people can feel just as tired/stressed. I suspect I’m not alone in heaving a sigh of relief that our kids are back at school and things can get back to normal. Where the diagnosis helps me, is that I KNOW I’m not Wonderwoman. I KNOW I need a break planned into my Porglet-filled days. I KNOW I’m going to run out of energy at some point and lose my temper. What I need to work on is knowing that all other parents feel the same!

This is something my CPN has been trying to get me to see over the past couple of weeks. BPD exaggerates our feelings, but it doesn’t make them up. We feel things more acutely than “normal” people, that’s for sure, but what we’re feeling is entirely normal. It’s not wrong to feel tired after an action-packed few hours/days/weeks. It’s not wrong to want to strangle the little darlings as they argue over who gets the last yoghurt. What’s wrong is telling yourself that it’s wrong to feel whatever you’re feeling.

When I’m tired I blame my BPD and, in blaming it, I make it out to be a bad thing. I subconsciously tell myself that I’m feeling tired BECAUSE of the BPD; if I were normal I wouldn’t be so tired; the BPD is MAKING me tired etc etc. What I need to be doing is telling myself that I possibly feel more tired than some people because my BPD is EXAGGERATING a perfectly normal reaction.

I’m not sure when I fell into the trap of thinking my feelings were wrong but it’s one I need to get out of if I’m going to get on with living with depression on top of the BPD. Just because my emotional reactions are exaggerated, doesn’t mean it’s wrong to feel them in the first place. They haven’t come out of nowhere, made up by my broken brain. They’re genuine and I’m going to start treating them as such. My feelings are valid and come from somewhere…it’s time to start tackling them rather than excusing them.

Spring has sprung…

…the time of year when S.A.D starts to lift and most people find it easier to get things done.

I say most people because there are still loads of us out there whose depression doesn’t change with the weather, and my BPD is still as unpredictable as the weather itself.

Last week was the week of learning not to be scared of going for a bicycle ride. Lovely Boyfriend took me out 4 times in total. I blogged about the first experience…classic BPD meltdown. After that, however, my head accepted I could do it and off I went with only a few false starts and stops. By Sunday, the only thing stopping me were cars and aching thighs. I get a little further down the road each time; slow and steady progress.

Am I proud of myself? Not long-term. I have to really think about it to feel anything. I lose the feeling as soon as I stop the activity; that’s my depression. At my worst I feel everything or nothing.

After certain events later on Sunday night, I felt everything AND nothing at the same time. I spent yesterday sleeping to stop my brain from coming up with innovative and stupid methods to feel something; I think my head’s got around it today but I can’t say for sure as I’m still in bed.

This is the bit of living with depression I hate. I’m hoping my CPN will be able to make a few suggestions on Friday. I’ll keep you all posted.