Spring has sprung…

…the time of year when S.A.D starts to lift and most people find it easier to get things done.

I say most people because there are still loads of us out there whose depression doesn’t change with the weather, and my BPD is still as unpredictable as the weather itself.

Last week was the week of learning not to be scared of going for a bicycle ride. Lovely Boyfriend took me out 4 times in total. I blogged about the first experience…classic BPD meltdown. After that, however, my head accepted I could do it and off I went with only a few false starts and stops. By Sunday, the only thing stopping me were cars and aching thighs. I get a little further down the road each time; slow and steady progress.

Am I proud of myself? Not long-term. I have to really think about it to feel anything. I lose the feeling as soon as I stop the activity; that’s my depression. At my worst I feel everything or nothing.

After certain events later on Sunday night, I felt everything AND nothing at the same time. I spent yesterday sleeping to stop my brain from coming up with innovative and stupid methods to feel something; I think my head’s got around it today but I can’t say for sure as I’m still in bed.

This is the bit of living with depression I hate. I’m hoping my CPN will be able to make a few suggestions on Friday. I’ll keep you all posted.

As easy as…

…riding a bike?

How many people with BPD gave up on learning to ride a bike as a child because of the overwhelming emotions?

I learnt to “go a bike” last year (felt a bit hypocritical telling Minimus not to be scared!). Lovely Boyfriend took me out again today for the first attempt in 6 months, and only my 5th ever shot. I was a MESS!

It felt too fast. I was out of control. I couldn’t even get started without steering myself into the verge. I cried buckets and just wanted to go home and never ever ride again (BPD and perseverance just don’t go together!). Lovely Boyfriend kept me going and after getting my emotions under a little control (and working out where to look),I made it around the waste ground for a few circuits and even did a few small and very wobbly slaloms.

I didn’t want to ride home, however. People would see me. There were cars to crash into. I had to make a right turn. I cried some more, rode another circuit and then just went for it.

I made it home (all of a minute on the road!) and felt…

…terrified, out of control and like I never want to do it again! However, I will persevere because I want to ride a motorbike!

BPD flares up at what other people perceive as nothing and they expect you to just get back on and keep going….and , you know what? It IS possible!