…although not, thankfully, the one with the giant pair of scissors chasing me down the street!
It struck me last night, as I was attempting to get to sleep, that I have a lot of positives in my life right now. Whether they count as actual positives or just positive thoughts remains to be seen. Does it really matter though, so long as I view them the right way?
When you’re depressed, there are no positive thoughts in your life. I know, I spent over 2 years in hospital. Objectively, there must have been some positive moments during that period of time, but depression makes you forget. BPD makes you forget everything but the one teeny-tiny bad thing about the day.
However, those days are behind me, fingers crossed. I’m even at the one-month anti-depressant free stage, and I’m managing to have dreams and aspirations. Hurrah and, indeed, huzzah!
I have a dream that:
- I might get cast in a decent role in Little Shop of Horrors (unlikely, given the insane amount of new talent at last night’s meeting)!
- I might actually nail my synopsis this week.
- An agent or publisher will take me on this year.
- When I drive to the airport later to collect Lovely Boyfriend, the snow will all have melted and the roads will be utterly deserted.
- I’ll remain anti-depressant free for a long time.
- I’ll keep on top of BPD, with only one or two flair-ups a week.
- I’ll get an answer from Ex-Hubby regarding divorce proceedings sometime this month.
- I’ll get to become more than a part-time mum to The Porglets (dependent on the point above, of course).
- The Porglets will continue to love school, life and everything.
- Easter will get moved forward two weeks so I can have some chocolate NOW!
My ex-psychologist would be so proud!
Dreams are important, no matter what your walk in life. Dreams spur you on to TRY things. It’s especially easy when you’re Avoidant (for me, it goes hand-in-hand with my BPD) to never try anything new. What if I can’t do it? What if people laugh at me? What if I get ignored? What if I get told I’m no good? When you’re plagued with those sorts of questions, it’s easy to give up.
But remember where those questions are coming from, people: yourself. So change the questions. Change the answers into something you can live with (“I don’t care” is a good one. Even if you don’t believe it to start with, say it often enough and you will). Change yourself. It’s possible; you just need to dream.