…is not going to break mine!
Happy Monday, guys. Hope you all had a nice weekend, despite the ‘orrible weather. I didn’t..well, I did, but I was in a bit of a blue funk for part of it.
BPD is like that. You can be doing stuff that makes you happy (going to the cinema to see The Croods – hilarious), yet feel all upset and uncomfortable on the inside. It doesn’t have to be much – most of the time I’m unaware something’s bothering me until another four additional things join in…
That’s why your life can feel so overwhelming when you have BPD, especially when you have undiagnosed BPD or haven’t had the chance to get some personal therapy. One thing sits in the background, bugging you for a few days but not really getting much attention from you. Then something happens that obviously bugs you. Then you see something on the TV that upsets you or someone says something that annoys you. Suddenly (or so your BPD brain tricks you into thinking), you’re blowing up at yourself and the world FOR NO REASON. Or worse, not blowing up but blowing in and getting all introspective on such topics as “do they really care,” “what’s it all about” and “doesn’t that razorblade look nice”. It’s a dangerous place to be.
So my best advice to someone with BPD is to notice your mood, like I eventually did. Then, instead of brooding on it, work out all the triggers from the previous few days. Make a list of them, then they become real issues to be dealt with. Then go to sleep with the promise of starting all over again tomorrow, without the mood.
Here was my list:
- I’ve had a sore back/hips on and off for years (ever since being pregnant with Porglet Minimus). I’m self-referring to the physio, but it’s not fun waking up every morning, stiff and sore.
- I forgot my handbag when we went to the cinema. Now, Lovely Boyfriend always pays for things like that anyway and doesn’t mind doing so. I’d just have like to have had the OPTION of offering to buy the sweets or something.
- Anxiety over submitting my manuscript to real, live, scary literary agents with the power to reject me utterly…I don’t do rejection very well.
- Anxiety over the auditions for Little Shop of Horrors last night. Anxiety, and also wondering why I bother getting all wound up over a part I know I’m never actually going to get. It’s my perfectionism taking charge again…
- Feeling at a loose end because I’ve finished one book and am trying to give myself a few days off before starting work on the next. I forget how to relax sometimes…
- The final straw? Watching the last episode of Blackadder Goes Forth, where they go over the top and die.
Anyway – I wrote the list, acknowledged that it was OK to be in a rubbish mood because of the things going on, and I feel a whole lot better today! Some of the stuff I can’t do anything about, but I can work on other stuff, like starting the next book!
I hope this technique helps some of you guys.