I’ve recently discovered a childhood favourite on Netflix. Quantum Leap. I loved the programme as a kid and I’m loving it even more as an adult.
Because it’s got me thinking: if I could go back within my own lifetime to “right what went wrong”, would I?
The surprising answer is that no, I wouldn’t. Because I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through everything I did. Besides, no Quantum Leap could change my DNA and that’s what would have to change if I were to free my life of BPD.
BPD isn’t an environmentally induced condition; it’s in our hard-wiring. It’s our genetic temperament plus a whole pile more. My brain literally can’t switch off “upset” without a monumental effort on my part (generally after I’ve become upset, recognised the fact and then pulled all my mindfullness/distress tolerance/emotion regulation skills into practise).
Changing my history wouldn’t change who I fundamentally am, so it would be a waste of time. All I could do is mentor myself; explain to a younger version what the hell was going on inside my head. It would be a little like my favourite book, The Time Travellers Wife.
(Note: I appear to love books involving time travel because my favourite books ever are the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon!)
Even if I could mentor myself better, would I? And still the answer would be no. Because I believe my 4 year battle to better understand myself is what’s made me the person I am now; a person I *whisper* actually like.
If I’d been diagnosed earlier, perhaps my partner from the age of 18 to 30 might have given up on me earlier or not bothered at all. I might not have had the Porglets, believing it would be too “difficult” for me with my “condition”. I might not have met Lovely Boyfriend. I certainly wouldn’t be able to write about mental health conditions if I hadn’t suffered for so long myself.
No – I’m happy with things the way they are. I might have been utterly miserable for much of the preceeding years, but that’s life.
There’s only one thing I WOULD change. I’d go back to last week and check The Porglets for head lice…