Would you…

…change history?

I’ve recently discovered a childhood favourite on Netflix. Quantum Leap. I loved the programme as a kid and I’m loving it even more as an adult.

Cover of Quantum Leap#10, art by C. Winston Taylor

Cover of Quantum Leap#10, art by C. Winston Taylor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Because it’s got me thinking: if I could go back within my own lifetime to “right what went wrong”, would I?

The surprising answer is that no, I wouldn’t. Because I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through everything I did. Besides, no Quantum Leap could change my DNA and that’s what would have to change if I were to free my life of BPD.

BPD isn’t an environmentally induced condition; it’s in our hard-wiring. It’s our genetic temperament plus a whole pile more. My brain literally can’t switch off “upset” without a monumental effort on my part (generally after I’ve become upset, recognised the fact and then pulled all my mindfullness/distress tolerance/emotion regulation skills into practise).

Silhouette of a woman in a cave looking at her...

Silhouette of a woman in a cave looking at her own shadow. The image can be used in philosophy (for example in Allegory of the cave) as well as to show psychological principles (for example Borderline personality disorder). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Changing my history wouldn’t change who I fundamentally am, so it would be a waste of time. All I could do is mentor myself; explain to a younger version what the hell was going on inside my head. It would be a little like my favourite book, The Time Travellers Wife.

(Note: I appear to love books involving time travel because my favourite books ever are the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon!)

Even if I could mentor myself better, would I? And still the answer would be no. Because I believe my 4 year battle to better understand myself is what’s made me the person I am now; a person I *whisper* actually like.

If I’d been diagnosed earlier, perhaps my partner from the age of 18 to 30 might have given up on me earlier or not bothered at all. I might not have had the Porglets, believing it would be too “difficult” for me with my “condition”. I might not have met Lovely Boyfriend. I certainly wouldn’t be able to write about mental health conditions if I hadn’t suffered for so long myself.

What is going on ?

(Photo credit: SAN_DRINO)

No – I’m happy with things the way they are. I might have been utterly miserable for much of the preceeding years, but that’s life.

There’s only one thing I WOULD change. I’d go back to last week and check The Porglets for head lice…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s