Really Understanding…

…the stupidity of my brain!

bandw1As you may have guessed from the tone of my posts this week, I’ve come back from my holiday with a bit of a crash (and burn). It took me a few days to work out what was going on – why, for instance, the stupid hedge-cutting experience affected me so badly; why I wanted to go back to bed on several days, and why I was feeling the need to eat so much damn chocolate!

The answer: as with most negative things in my life, it was my BPD kicking off. Interestingly enough, it was some of the aspects I don’t normally consider to be part of “my” BPD.

bandw5Part of the criteria for diagnosing BPD concerns “unstable relationships” and lots of books state that people with BPD sabotage relationships. I’ve never thought of that criterion applying to me in terms of intimate relationships (although, sure, I find it hard to maintain friendships and will often drop contact because it’s “easier”). I didn’t want to damage my relationship with Lovely Boyfriend this last week but my brain was certainly coming up with some weird and wonderful suggestions.

I talked it over with Lovely Boyfriend on the phone and the last few pieces of the puzzle slotted into place. It’s the whole “black and white” aspect to living with a BPD brain.

The holiday was so perfect, it was absolutely “white” in my thinking. Normal home life could never be that “white” so it was immediately cast as the darkest “black” in my mind.

bandw4I forgot that my normal life was actually a light shade of “grey” and it’s taken a lot of hard mental work to get myself back to viewing everyday life in different shades of grey. As I write this, I’m probably sitting somewhere around 60:40, black:white because there’s still a lot of other stuff going on to stress me out.

bandw3I don’t know if thinking about life in black & white terms helps anyone else struggling with their BPD brains right now, but it helped me. I guess it all goes back to my belief that the way to “recover” from the condition is to learn all you can about it. If I didn’t understand how black&white my thinking could be, I wouldn’t have been able to work out that this is what was causing the wonky thoughts, and who knows how I might have ended up feeling? It’s scary to think that, without that understanding, I could have easily sabotaged my whole Wonderful and Lovely Relationship, not because things were wrong in the here-and-now, but because things had been almost too wonderful the previous week and nothing could live up to that. Well, duh, of course life can’t always be pure, dazzling, holiday-abroad white…but that doesn’t mean everything else is black.

bandw2My new mantra for the upcoming weeks when things do really look and feel black: Grey is good.


3 thoughts on “Really Understanding…

  1. I’ve only been following this blog since your return from – what sounds like – a fab holiday AND with a great b/f, by all accounts. However, I did wonder if the post-holiday blues might catch up.

    I am newly diagnosed BPD and still trying to find my feet. I will agree that education is the best way forward. Being able to understand my own life – in terms of BPD – is a lifesaver.

    I tend to view life through emotionally tinted spectacles. Unfortunately, those emotions are ‘split black/white’, although maybe I am recognising and control them a little better. It’s commendable that you are able to step back and not allow that view to encroach on your relationship with lovely-b/f. Even better you can talk it over with him

    One of the worst things about BPD is the rapid extreme mood swings and when I am down, usually all things are ‘split black’. It can feel soul destroying but I do hope you will start to pick up soon

    • Thanks for sharing, Cat. I do believe self awareness keeps the worst of my bpd under control, and at least gives me a way of being more compassionate to myself. I know I’ll get through this spell in the next few weeks and will give myself the necessary time (and chocolate!). Thankfully, Lovely Boyfriend gets home from offshore next week which will help!

  2. tis hard for anyone to return from a vacation. Grey is good, tis so easy to say… but it can be taxing to, trying to second guess everything. Just go slow, and chocolate.. 🙂 lots of that.


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