…the stupidity of my brain!
As you may have guessed from the tone of my posts this week, I’ve come back from my holiday with a bit of a crash (and burn). It took me a few days to work out what was going on – why, for instance, the stupid hedge-cutting experience affected me so badly; why I wanted to go back to bed on several days, and why I was feeling the need to eat so much damn chocolate!
The answer: as with most negative things in my life, it was my BPD kicking off. Interestingly enough, it was some of the aspects I don’t normally consider to be part of “my” BPD.
Part of the criteria for diagnosing BPD concerns “unstable relationships” and lots of books state that people with BPD sabotage relationships. I’ve never thought of that criterion applying to me in terms of intimate relationships (although, sure, I find it hard to maintain friendships and will often drop contact because it’s “easier”). I didn’t want to damage my relationship with Lovely Boyfriend this last week but my brain was certainly coming up with some weird and wonderful suggestions.
I talked it over with Lovely Boyfriend on the phone and the last few pieces of the puzzle slotted into place. It’s the whole “black and white” aspect to living with a BPD brain.
The holiday was so perfect, it was absolutely “white” in my thinking. Normal home life could never be that “white” so it was immediately cast as the darkest “black” in my mind.
I forgot that my normal life was actually a light shade of “grey” and it’s taken a lot of hard mental work to get myself back to viewing everyday life in different shades of grey. As I write this, I’m probably sitting somewhere around 60:40, black:white because there’s still a lot of other stuff going on to stress me out.
I don’t know if thinking about life in black & white terms helps anyone else struggling with their BPD brains right now, but it helped me. I guess it all goes back to my belief that the way to “recover” from the condition is to learn all you can about it. If I didn’t understand how black&white my thinking could be, I wouldn’t have been able to work out that this is what was causing the wonky thoughts, and who knows how I might have ended up feeling? It’s scary to think that, without that understanding, I could have easily sabotaged my whole Wonderful and Lovely Relationship, not because things were wrong in the here-and-now, but because things had been almost too wonderful the previous week and nothing could live up to that. Well, duh, of course life can’t always be pure, dazzling, holiday-abroad white…but that doesn’t mean everything else is black.