Half empty…

…or half full?

The classic “are you an optimist or pessimist” question. My answer depends – as do most things – on my mood at that precise moment in time. Given the BPD and my current bout of depression, my answer this week runs along these lines:

The glass has been emptied by an enormous bully who’s then filled it with a mixture of urine, spit and rat poison, and is threatening to flush my head down the toilet unless I drink it. Suddenly the question of whether it’s half full or half empty seems irrelevant.

From that little tirade, you might assume I’m a half empty kinda girl. Yes and no. I think it’s both, or neither.

Every negative thing that happens sucks. That’s why it’s a negative thing. However, for every negative, there’s a positive; it’s how the world works. The trick to not drowning in the toilet of life is to force each negative into assuming a positive position. Not always easy, I’ll grant you, but even turning one or two little negatives on their heads has got to make you feel better, doesn’t it?

Take yesterday. I was going out for the evening in order to help prepare a murder mystery evening with my am dram group. I went out to my car and discovered a flat tyre. I’ve never changed a tyre in my life and, given the soggy state of Scotland this week, I didn’t fancy trying to change it there and then. If I’d left the situation there, the glass would definitely have been half empty.

However, I phoned my friend to let her know what had happened and she immediately dispatched her wonderful hubby to come and get me. I was late (the first time ever – as pointed out by another friend with a big grin on her face) but I got my evening out, which I desperately needed. Let’s just say that Monday’s second mediation session with The Ex-Husband didn’t exactly go well and my plans to spend a little more time with The Porglets have been given a resounding thumbs down from his nibs.

What turned the whole flat tyre negativity on it’s head, however, was my lift home. With a member of the society I know but don’t particularly spend a lot of time with. She’s a solicitor and has worked on children’s panels for years…and she knows the best family solicitors in the area. If I hadn’t had a flat tyre, I wouldn’t have talked to her about the situation and she wouldn’t have been able to tell me the best people to go to to fight my defence. The glass is suddenly half full.

Similarly, my mood on Monday morning (I really didn’t want to get out of bed) was horrible BUT it gave me a new insight into Steve and how to write his next chapter in my latest book. OK, I still haven’t got up the energy to write it but I have an outline. AND I have a couple of ideas for other murder mysteries we can perform as a group so I’m off to scribble down some ideas before I lose them…Death of Director, anyone?

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Behavioural Activation…

…sometimes isn’t enough.

I’ve been through LOTS of therapy over the years. I know precisely what I’m meant to do in different situations/moods.

Actually doing it? Not always that simple.

I know that getting off my arse and doing something is technically the right thing to do. But when your brain wants to curl up in bed, it’s not exactly easy to persuade it to do otherwise, therapy or no therapy.

However…you’re reading a blog post (albeit a basic one written on my phone; switching on the computer is just a step too far) and my house is cleaner than it was yesterday. I’m showered, dressed and there’s a load of washing on.

I might still feel as miserable as sin and I can’t say I feel better, but I can say I don’t feel any worse.

Maybe on a day like today that is enough…