The Rake in the Face…

…in the garden of stability!

raake1Bear with me, folks. I’m a writer: we like metaphors and allegory and all that jazz. The only alternative name for this blog was “Bugger it…I’m depressed”. I’m going with the garden rake in the face, that way I can add in such phrases as: “Lately there have been a few weeds of discontent creeping into my garden”. Or perhaps not. Ahem…

Until this past month, I’ve been doing pretty well for me. Moodwise, I’ve never been the most stable and I’m pretty sure I was in a depressed state for at least half my marriage. Even in the past year and a half, since meeting Lovely Boyfriend, I’ve had down days sprinkled liberally throughout. They generally centre around money (or lack of) or my impending divorce (or lack of progress with).

rake3With BPD, the depressed days can generally be linked to something tangible. Negative things happening, be they big or pretty insignificant in the run of things, lead to negative thoughts and negative mood. Sometimes, however, it’s depression. Pure and simple and a right pain in the arse.

The more observant of you will note that I’m writing this at around 4 in the morning. Those of you who know me personally will also be aware that Lovely Boyfriend came home last night from his 2-week offshore stint. So why am I sitting on the sofa writing my blog, rather than curled up in bed with him? Because, bugger it…I’m depressed.

rake5It’s been coming on over the past couple of weeks and I’m certain it IS tied to events. Events now include a “Limited Capability for Work” medical questionnaire; a form guaranteed to send anyone with mental health problems into a state of panic and despondency. That was the rake in the face yesterday.

But I’m also noticing other things, pointing me towards a proper, un-fun bout of depression. My emotions are starting to disappear on me, for one. I hope other people understand what that means (otherwise I fear I’m simply going mad *grin*). I mean an inability to feel a sense of achievement over my writing this week. A sense of melancholy overriding happiness at having Lovely Boyfriend home. A certain unwillingness to lift my head off the pillows in the mornings (obviously not a problem today!).

rake2Hopefully the problems will pass as the situations pass, but I’m writing this blog to point out that depression happens, even to the most self-aware of us with BPD. And it’s OK to admit it. And it doesn’t mean I’ve failed at anything and can’t cope with life; admitting the problem should prove I’m coping a heck of a lot better than 5 years ago!

I’m not sure how to end this blog today. Normally I manage a pithy comment but my pithiness appears to be switched off at this time of morning. Although, on a more positive note, getting up and writing about how I’m feeling rather than lying in bed with tears in my eyes, helps. Yes, even in the midst of my moody blues, I’m advocating Behavioural Activation (a.k.a. Get off your arse and DO something therapy).

OK, I found my pith.rake4


10 thoughts on “The Rake in the Face…

  1. I can relate, though I don’t have BPD myself–it is so frustrating to KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, why you’re sad one day and then just be gobsmacked by plain old depression the next. You’re so right in saying that sometimes it just happens; too often, we’re blamed for things that are simply out of our control. And the loss of control can also be terrifying (or at least perplexing), which adds to the whole mess…mental illness is a fickle beast!

    • Thanks for commenting. It’s been a long time since I felt properly depressed, in a way that wasn’t related directly to my BPD. It’s a right old blow to remember that my diagnosis is “BPD AND recurrent depressive disorder”. However, being aware of the problem is the first step to getting over it.

  2. Up at 4 am? For me, it would be “still up” at 4 am. Thanks for the clear description you give here of what you are grappling with, and the rake in the face metaphor is brilliant. I have been wondering if my general funk is the start of something bigger for me as well. Time will tell. But, on a good note, I had a really helpful therapy session this morning. (It’s only 10 pm where I am. But I should go get ready for bed or it really will be 4 am before I know it.)

    Hope you can get a nap in today.

    Standing with you,


    • I’m so glad your therapy went well. A helpful therapist is a Godsend! Unfortunately mine left the area but I hope I can get going again without too much help. Fingers crossed

  3. In the 13 years I have been living with major depression, whenever it has me by the throat, I have had to learn to accept and ride with it. There is no good fighting against our lows, or beating ourselves up for feeling this way.

    It is good to remind ourselves of the progress we have made. There are huge differences between where I am at today in comparison to 5 yrs ago…. Even if life still feels shitty.

    I am guessing many of my “depressive episodes” are actually issues with my BPD. I find it difficult to concentrate long enough to do research into Av & BPD and Dissociative Disorders. It feels a bit like swimming around in the dark. I’m depending on MBT starting in autumn.

    P.S. I have actually had a cartoon style rake in the face, although this one didn’t quite get my face as it did smack my…… well, let us just say “Between the legs” . I’ve also walked smack bang into lampposts and then pretended it didn’t hurt!

    • Thanks for sharing, Cat. Ouch for the rake!
      Many of my depressed days can be clearly linked to my bpd. I can see the cause and effect and then, most crucially, reason my way out of the upset. This is different; this is that veil lowering itself between me and the rest of the world. Dissociation for the first time in nearly 3 years. It sucks but it would suck more if I buried my head in the sand and did nothing about it. I just hope the gp surgery is clever enough to listen to me today.

  4. I can remember those dark veils. All this talk of dissociation really has me thinking. I wonder why the Doc’s never told me about this before…. Mmm. It goes against the usual theory of not doing my own – putting ideas in my head – research

    How did the GPs go?

    • Hey Cat. Gp was fine because my consultant left clear instructions for them. So I’m starting on Sertraline – a new one for me. And as with all SSRIs I’ve ever taken, I spent 3/4s of the night awake! Sigh. However, simply doing something about the problem has helped a bit.
      As for books, I can recommend a couple but I’ll have to check the titles (not looked at them in a while). Unfortunately, I can’t do that until next week now. But I’ll get them to you as soon as. One of them is something like Borderline personality disorder demystified by somebody Friedel? The other is borderline personality disorder: the facts. It’s part of a series and has a plain white cover with a bright pinky purple stripe. It’s the best of the two in my opinion.

      • Hi Stace… many thanks for getting back to me about the books. “BDP demystified” is one I already looked at on Amazon last night. Also “BPD the facts” sounds familiar. That might be the one written by a person recovering from BPD and clinician. I will have a look on Amazon over the next few days.

        Pleased the GP went okay. I was on Sertraline for quite some time. I think all AD’s made me anxious and aggressive to varying degrees. I must say, Sertraline was one of the most difficult to come off. However, it does seem a successfully common one and I do hope it starts working for you very soon

  5. PS … Stacey, I was wondering if you could recommend a good BPD book for a novice? I was hoping to get something on my Kindle Fire from Amazon

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