…and all’s not well.
I’m awake and writing this at 5 in the morning for a start.
I’m propped up on as many pillows as I can lay my hands on in a miserable attempt to stop myself from coughing, for the second.
And, for a third, my head is mince (a nice old saying from my childhood).
I started this blog at my best point in years. I was happy, writing away at book 3 and full of advice on how to handle BPD. Those little tips still work, but I’ve now got to work out how to handle the part of my diagnosis I overlooked: depression.
Once I had my diagnosis of BPD, it was easy for me to blame it for all my darkest periods.
Insert game-show style, wrong answer klaxon here.
I can understand and deal with the BPD bit. I can see where and when and why I’m over-reacting, making life difficult for myself etc. I can spot the blow-ups before they get too stormy. I can’t always stop them but I can, at least, sound the alert so people can get out the way of Hurricane Stacey.
But this latest bout of depression has shown me how weak my storm barriers really are. And this is where I drop the metaphor because it’s too hard to continue at this time of the morning.
Depression takes over your brain whether you like it or not. It fills you with negative images and thoughts even while you’re sleeping. It distances you from the happiness you want to be feeling (that’s the really low blow).
I feel bad for Lovely Boyfriend because he’s stuck listening to my moaning and crying and he can’t do anything other than listen from the other side of the North Sea. I wouldn’t blame him for getting fed up or feeling low himself when he has to listen to all the crap in my head pouring out. He’d be entitled to think I was unhappy etc etc.
I’m not unhappy, and that’s the saddest part. I still feel happy with my life: my girls are just too wonderful for words and Lovely Boyfriend is the best thing ever to have happened to me.
However, depression takes a hammer and smashes that happiness. All the pieces are still there but they’re fractured and separated from each other. Distant. Broken.
I need some more sleep…