…because I totally forgot to blog yesterday!
I was so carried away with Ragnar and his first official pillage, I forgot to post an excerpt for all of you guys. Sorry!
The Horde now consists of:
1. Ragnar Piddledrinker (Viking)
2. Slave Dave (Minion)
3. Bjornagain Christianson (Christian Priest)
4. Donald Furrybootsyefromthen (Pict)
5. Api Lokison/Aud the Odd (Cross-dressing High Priest of the Unorthodox Church of the Screaming Queen)
6. Sigrid Stripherknickersofherson (Token Female Warrior)
7. The Schwarzwolf (a wolf trapped in the body of a man)
8. The Slazenger (a cat)
9. Sporran (a Taupe)
10. Mr Potato (a Shetland pony pretending to be a unicorn)
Here’s a section from the chapter where Ragnar and his Horde are filling out the necessary paperwork to register as an official horde for the start of Pillaging Season. I’m afraid the footnotes are missing (difficult to transfer), but I’ll save them for the actual book for your added reading pleasure (yes, I plan to self-publish this one!)
Dave is speaking:
‘If we are to be a properly registered horde, we must complete this paperwork and submit it to The Scandiwegian Pillaging OverLords before Pillaging Season commences.’
‘There’s a pillaging season? Can we no jist rob an pillage wi’oot a’ this bumf?’ Donald asked, picking up a scroll entitled “Art Thou an Equal Opportunities Employer?”.
Dave rifled through the pile in front of him and pulled out one of the scrolls. ‘No,’ he replied, reading from it. ‘As Ragnar is an graduate of The Pillagers, he must abide by certain rules and regulations, unless he be stripped of his woggle.’
The horde drew a collective sympathetic breath.
‘Also,’ Dave continued, ‘as fully signed up members of Hordes R Us, we get many exclusive bonus features not available to ordinary thieves and brigands.’
‘Such as?’ Sigrid asked.
‘Such as an bonus rewards scheme,’ Dave replied. ‘For every hundred gold coins pillaged, Hordes R Us will reward us with one extra coin. They may double this at certain times of year, subject to terms and conditions. We also gain advanced notice of any special pillaging events. Thee know, pillage one, get one free. We are also entitled to full life insurance and comprehensive health cover, including monetary rewards in the event of the loss of one or both arms, one or both legs, one or both kidneys, one or both ears and/or eyes, and a wife’s pension in the event of loss of ability to provide conjugal services.’
‘I love a good conjugal service,’ Bjornagain sighed happily.
‘Whit kind o’ monetary rewards are we talkin’ aboot?’ Donald queried. ‘Ah’m sure Ah can manage jist fine wi’ only wan ear.’ He drew his dagger.
Dave hastily him from doing anything foolish. ‘Wait! Any injury must be back up with the necessary paperwork. Thee wouldst have to fill in scroll 72, “Injuries Sustained whilst Performing Horde Duties”. Unless thee can prove, in triplicate, that thine injury was caused by thy performing an sanctioned Horde mission, thee would not be entitled to any compensation. Furthermore, thee would then lose us our “No Claims Bonus” for the season, which would prevent our entitlement to an exciting free gift from the selection proffered within.’
‘Are we getting drinks or not?’ Ragnar asked.