Dear God…

…could you switch the sun back on, please?

When I eventually woke up this morning, it was dark. It’s now half-past nine and it’s still dark. I nearly tripped over Mad Mutt because it was so gloomy in the living room.

OK, maybe it’s not completely dark, but there’s no trace of sunshine out there. The sky is that empty grey promising a day of drizzle and electric lights. All I’m asking is for a little help and a break in the grey, please?

See, I’ve been feeling tired lately. This past week has been one long battle with staying awake. I don’t know if my thyroid levels are out, if it’s a virus of some sort, S.A.D, my BPD or a recurrence of the recurrent depression, but it’s starting to get me down and I don’t like that.

God, you of all people know the hundreds of thoughts running through my head every day; the constant interior litany of coping thoughts, soothing thoughts and tellings off I give myself. All those years of therapy in constant use as I get on with having a life; for long periods of time I can actually enjoy myself and don’t have to be so utterly mindful of my broken brain and its warped way of viewing the world.

But now I’m tired and we both know that me + tired = a bad combination. How am I supposed to do everything I need to do today; everything I want to do because I want to get on with life as normal? I want to sort through the Porglets clothes today so I know exactly what to buy them tomorrow in larger sizes (because they do keep on growing; I don’t suppose you could slow them down?). I want to take Mad Mutt for a walk. I want to head up into town to put cheques into the bank and buy food for said, growing, forever starving Porglets. I want to edit another chapter or two of Ragnar, maybe even write a few more Scandiwegian Pillaging OverLord Regulations. I want to feel like I’m enjoying the day rather than simply surviving it.

So, God, if you could see your way to bringing the sun out, I’d be really grateful because I’ve spent enough of my life in the dark. Amen.

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