Finding…

…my focus.

And I don’t mean putting my glasses on in the morning!

Days are better when I have things planned, things that must be done. Things I have to do or feel terrible for letting someone down.

Things like getting to rehearsal last night. I could easily have stayed in bed most of the day and texted the director with an excuse…but then I’d have felt worse.

Things like taking Mad Mutt for a walk (more of a squelch today!). If I don’t then the house starts smelling overmuch of dog, I feel like I’m letting Lovely Boyfriend down AND Mad Mutt looks at me accusingly!

I need focus. Sometimes I feel like I should find a job for a few hours each day but then that throws up a whole pile of other issues (I’d lose my benefits and have to actually work full-time which I’m certainly not ready for or capable of, not to mention what job could I actually do that my bpd could cope with?). *takes deep breaths to recover*

Some days I’m able to focus on my writing really well. I haven’t so much recently thanks to feeling tired and low. I know I have to keep on regardless of my mood but I also know writing/editing goes much MUCH better when I’m awake and able to concentrate.

I guess I’ll just have to keep on keeping on for now and trust myself to do the right thing for me.

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