I called in at the GPs’ yesterday to see if the results from my blood tests were back. They were. They were normal. Feeling TATT was apparently all in my head…it’s getting crowded in there! I’m guessing it’s a combination of the dark mornings, long nights of dreaming, lingering depression and the ever present BPD.
Now I know it’s nothing physical, I can get to work on overcoming the tiredness from a mental health angle. It’s finding the balance between doing enough but not too much, of anything. Enough of being nice to myself but not so much I end up reluctant to do anything vaguely unpleasant (she says, eyeing up Mad Mutt’s food bowl, which could do with a clean).
Today I’ve tidied the little piles of “stuff” that have crept into various parts of the house. You know, the pile of letters needing filed; the toys still sitting from the Christmas crackers, the old bottles of moisturiser and hair stuff sitting on the bedside table. Little things, but also big things when they’re all in the mind.
People often dismiss mental health issues as being all in the mind, as if that makes them easy to solve. As if they’re something you have conscious control over. OK, to a certain degree, we can call change how we think and, as a result, act. We can all choose to eat healthier, do more exercise, read more books, learn a new skill etc etc…it’s all in the mind and we “just” have to unlock the motivation and desire. That’s where mental illness throws a spanner in the works because it takes your motivation, screws it up into a ball and throws it into the nearest bin. You don’t even need to be mentally unwell to fail at something; how many people start diets to fail them a week/month/year later? All in the mind isn’t as easy to overcome as some people would have you think.
We know more about the surface of the moon than we do about the workings of the brain. All in the mind devised the first computers, built (and destroyed) the Twin Towers, chose to have children, chose to take a life, wrote a symphony and killed Martin Luther King. All in the mind is a pretty powerful thing to overcome.
However, having burnt myself (quite literally) in the hell of a psychiatric hospital, I have no plans to ever sink that far into mental ill-health ever again. That requires hard work on my part. It requires working through the tiredness and getting on with stuff regardless. It requires making an appointment with my consultant (done) to discuss treatment, because this is the rest of my life. It requires tidying away the physical and mental piles of “stuff” bugging me. It requires filling my time with activities that I need to do, want to do and will be good for me. Next on my agenda: learn to speak with a Cockney accent!
Then, at some point, I might get around to cleaning Mad Mutt’s dish…maybe.