Duck and cover…

…I had a BPD blow-out!

Every once in a while, I’m reminded of why BPD and dealing with problems don’t go well together.

I’m self-aware; incredibly so according to my old psychologist (I miss her). I understand why BPD makes me the way I am and what I can do to work with it and around it. I’m mindful of my emotions and those of my children in order to keep problems to a minimum in our day-to-day-life.

But every so often, something happens that is completely outside of my control. Like yesterday…

I would like to apologise to the poor woman working for the “Erroneous Switching” Service at E.On. I’m fairly sure she hung up after my case and had a nervous breakdown of her own! The short story is that I learnt yesterday that E.On put me onto the wrong tariff for my meter in November 2012. They learnt about the mistake last February when they couldn’t put together a quarterly bill. I learnt about the problem yesterday, nearly a year later. They have to switch me back to my old supplier, who will bill me at a much higher rate and I will probably have to find a couple of hundred pounds for them.

I think anyone without BPD can understand the immediate upset and anger at this situation. Those with BPD are probably hyperventilating just reading this.

I’m logical. I’m rational. I’m a scientist for crying out loud! I have children. I know how to organise play dates, get children to bed at a reasonable time and get them to eat vegetables. But I’m prepared for those types of problems; they don’t come out of the blue and set my emotions off like a bomb.

I cried. I shouted. I stomped around the house switching off my heating (thankfully I switched it back on after calming down; it’s freezing today!). I behaved irrationally and I’m sure the woman wondered why I was taking it so badly. She must be used to people getting upset or annoyed, but not to BPD levels! I did have the sense to tell her I had mental health issues…OK, I maybe shouted it at her…

I go through my carefully controlled life, keeping triggers at a minimum and everything running smoothly. The most I have to deal with day-to-day is the depression side of things. Yesterday bought back a lot of memories about my life pre-diagnosis and hospitalisation; a life where I went to work and had to face problems on a regular basis (I didn’t deal with them any better in those days, trust me!). My days at school where I would get so wound up by the littlest thing; the same thing happening at University too.

I know my old psychologist would tell me that it’s good for me to expose myself to situations like that, but I’m also damn sure she’d tell me to keep them to a minimum because there’s no controlling the BPD beast when it’s let loose like that.

So, dear DWP (currently assessing my capability for work); that is why I’m not the best person to get a job stacking shelves in Tesco, or answering the phone in an office. Just ask the poor woman at E.On for a reference!


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