Fear and…


I picked up my first ever “Word for today” at church the other week; it started on Saturday and has led to some rather deep ponderings.

I’m not one for deep thought or philosophy. My black & white brain starts rebelling against all these grey questions.

Saturday’s reading, and today’s for that matter, tell me I shouldn’t have any worries, fears or depression if I truly believe in God. Sounds fine in principle…but then my inner scientist fights back.

Mental ill-health isn’t down to a lack of faith (although many people at my church seem to believe it really is that simple!). You don’t tell someone with cancer that it’s down to a lack of faith, do you?

If I hadn’t gone through everything I did from 2007-2010, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be an “awesome and the BEST mum” to the Porglets (direct quote). I wouldn’t have Lovely Boyfriend or Lovely Boyfriend’s daughter (quote:”you’re like a second mum to me and I love you so much”; yes, I welled up when I read that!).

I wouldn’t be someone writing books, singing/acting/dancing (Strawberry seller in Oliver! in June), writing this blog, helping other people feel less alone with their illness, accepting my own illness and what it means…etc etc.

Falling so incredibly far down the abyss of bpd and depression was the best thing that could have happened to me. It happened at a time that was right (the Porglets can’t really remember much about the really bad year). I attempted suicide too many times to count. Yet I’m still here.

Whether you have faith or not, I reckon that says more about how God works than anything else.

Don’t be afraid of feeling fear. Don’t worry about worrying. Somehow it will all work out as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to.


2 thoughts on “Fear and…

  1. I get scared. I get worried. I get depressed.

    Does that make me a bad Christian? Who knows? There are people who think I’m not trusting enough, not joyful enough, and they might be right.

    But when Elijah found himself scared and under threat, God met with him. When Job was at the end of his rope, God met with him – maybe not in the way he’d’ve liked, but still. Jesus may have told off his disciples for panicking occasionally, but he never abandoned them.

    So I think Jesus is sometimes more flexible than his church. He’s more about the relationship than trying to get everyone to conform to some hypothetical manual.

    Which is just a long winded way of saying I liked your post!

  2. Reblogged this on Dearest Depression and commented:
    Love this. My Mom was diagnosed with depression at a time when many believed the depressed were terribly out of fellowship with God. That stigma is mostly gone, at least I think it is. Some may still believe that way. This contributes to the idea that our circumstances help make us who we are. Awesome post!

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