I picked up my first ever “Word for today” at church the other week; it started on Saturday and has led to some rather deep ponderings.
I’m not one for deep thought or philosophy. My black & white brain starts rebelling against all these grey questions.
Saturday’s reading, and today’s for that matter, tell me I shouldn’t have any worries, fears or depression if I truly believe in God. Sounds fine in principle…but then my inner scientist fights back.
Mental ill-health isn’t down to a lack of faith (although many people at my church seem to believe it really is that simple!). You don’t tell someone with cancer that it’s down to a lack of faith, do you?
If I hadn’t gone through everything I did from 2007-2010, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be an “awesome and the BEST mum” to the Porglets (direct quote). I wouldn’t have Lovely Boyfriend or Lovely Boyfriend’s daughter (quote:”you’re like a second mum to me and I love you so much”; yes, I welled up when I read that!).
I wouldn’t be someone writing books, singing/acting/dancing (Strawberry seller in Oliver! in June), writing this blog, helping other people feel less alone with their illness, accepting my own illness and what it means…etc etc.
Falling so incredibly far down the abyss of bpd and depression was the best thing that could have happened to me. It happened at a time that was right (the Porglets can’t really remember much about the really bad year). I attempted suicide too many times to count. Yet I’m still here.
Whether you have faith or not, I reckon that says more about how God works than anything else.
Don’t be afraid of feeling fear. Don’t worry about worrying. Somehow it will all work out as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to.