…for BPD and depression?
I had to attend a Work Capability Assessment last year, in order to have my benefits renewed. And, as for the previous year, once again I’ve been assessed by a medical professional as fit for work and allocated 0 points on their functionality scale.
What a great big kick in the teeth for those of us with mental health difficulties!
I was told of the decision over the phone yesterday which, as you can imagine, triggered a huge BPD fit of tears and fears.
I know it’s possible to find work with BPD and, sometimes, even enjoy it…but I also know from previous experience that the wrong job will lead to a major depressive episode with suicidal thoughts. Been there, done that, picked out the spot to drive off the road.
It’s difficult for others to understand how I can be so sure about this. It’s not that I’m being picky for no reason; I would (after initial crippling anxiety) go to the right job in the right place with the right people. It’s not that I never want to work ever again and am being lazy; I get bored at home and feel low because sometimes I don’t feel useful.
I know the wrong job will make me ill because that’s how my brain works. If something is wrong, it upsets me. And BPD upset is nigh on impossible to control once it’s been triggered. The only way I’ve found to ‘control’ it is to leave the situation that caused it in the first place.
You can’t leave a check-out or a reception desk if a customer upsets you. You can’t hang up the phone on an irate customer in a call-centre. You can’t refuse to go back to that office because of how it makes you feel. You can’t refuse to drive to a different branch because of anxiety. You can’t turn down a contract because it’s temporary and temporary is too uncertain to deal with. You can’t explain that helping out in a different department makes you want to slit your wrists.
Well, you can, but I suspect you don’t get any job offers that way.
How do some of you cope with working with a mental health condition? How do you get to an interview in a strange place through your anxiety? How do you cope with the changes that happen day-to-day? How do you cope with uncertainty of what will happen each day? How do you leave work at work and not take the worries home with you? How do you find work that pays enough to support you and your family without killing you through stress?
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and I should get the official paperwork through today/tomorrow explaining what happens next (mandatory reconsideration period before being allowed to appeal; new since the last time).
I can feel the uncertainty and fear gripping me just from writing this. I hate how it makes me sound. I hate how the whole thing makes me feel…but this is how my life is. And apparently that makes me fully functional.