…does not equal sanity!
A short blog today, otherwise I’ll start ranting and raving and generally making a BPD mess of the rest of the day (she says after spending 3 hours detailing exactly why the DWP are idiots in a letter to them which I will try very hard not to print off and send).
I received the official notification that I am fit for work according to the medical examination by the DWP (UK). Apart from the fact that several details are outright wrong (name of medication and dosage for one), assumptions have been made based on my ability to shower “most” days.
Because I watch TV, listen to music, use a computer and read books, I am physically capable of working. But the ability to read, watch TV etc doesn’t mean I am mentally fit for work. I did all those things whilst in hospital, whilst planning my next suicide attempt!
Because I was not visibly sweating (he didn’t check my back/underarms!) and maintained adequate eye-contact (a learnt behaviour of mine from childhood – see their eyes and maybe you’ll understand how they’re going to behave), nor was I obviously agitated or trembling (not externally), I am able to deal with minor unplanned changes to my daily routine, cope with meeting new people and travel to unfamiliar areas…yeah…sure.
Not once was I asked what was going on in my head. Not once was I asked what travelling to the assessment meant to me or did to my mental state. Not once was I asked about my thoughts on my own mental state. The medical report states I was asked about self-harm, rumination and obsessive thinking. I was not, or at least not in a way that allowed me to answer what truly goes on in my head. Much of the assessment is a blur because the stress of it prevents me remembering it clearly…but if I’d been asked about thoughts of self-harm, rumination and obsessive thinking, I’d have given him answers he’d have had to write down.
I’ve spent three hours trying to write a reasoned response to the medical report, but I can’t. Because I have BPD. When this type of thing happens, it fills my head with anxiety, stress, thoughts of what the hell I’m going to do next, how can I cope, what can I do? Information is wrong, assumptions are being made; my black & white brain is screaming “but it’s not like that”. They say I don’t ruminate; the past three days has been nothing but rumination!
I can’t even blog clearly about what this whole experience is doing to me. Not only am I having to deal with a return of my recurrent depressive disorder (which medication can overcome, but side-effects trigger BPD depressive reactions), I’m having to deal with the BPD blow-out as a result of this medical examiner’s report. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 2 hours and I’m hoping he’ll be able to help, firstly with medication to control the depression that doesn’t give me side-effects, and secondly with a letter explaining how the DWP doesn’t know its arse from its elbow when it comes to mental health conditions.
I’m off to eat a large quanity of chocolate in an attempt to distract myself from this whole debacle.