As easy as…

…riding a bike?

How many people with BPD gave up on learning to ride a bike as a child because of the overwhelming emotions?

I learnt to “go a bike” last year (felt a bit hypocritical telling Minimus not to be scared!). Lovely Boyfriend took me out again today for the first attempt in 6 months, and only my 5th ever shot. I was a MESS!

It felt too fast. I was out of control. I couldn’t even get started without steering myself into the verge. I cried buckets and just wanted to go home and never ever ride again (BPD and perseverance just don’t go together!). Lovely Boyfriend kept me going and after getting my emotions under a little control (and working out where to look),I made it around the waste ground for a few circuits and even did a few small and very wobbly slaloms.

I didn’t want to ride home, however. People would see me. There were cars to crash into. I had to make a right turn. I cried some more, rode another circuit and then just went for it.

I made it home (all of a minute on the road!) and felt…

…terrified, out of control and like I never want to do it again! However, I will persevere because I want to ride a motorbike!

BPD flares up at what other people perceive as nothing and they expect you to just get back on and keep going….and , you know what? It IS possible!

Victory!

Just a quick blog today because the computer is playing up and I have a head full of ideas for Ragnar’s new, and more obvious, plot. Plus Lovely Boyfriend gets home tonight and I’m too excited to make much sense 🙂

The DWP have amended their decision that I was fit for work! It took a mini-BPD breakdown in the JobCentre, several emails back and forth with Welfare Rights (telephoning was too stressful) to prepare a letter stating all the reasons why their decision was wrong and why I was, in fact, entitled to something like 28 points and not 0 points, two appointments with my psychiatrist plus a letter from him, and a re-referral to the CMHT…but I’ve made it! Once again, I’ve been moved from “get a job you scrounging lay-about, there’s nothing wrong with you” to “Ooops we made a mistake; you’re in the Support Group after all”.

It’s been the most stressful couple of weeks in my life, in the midst of a depressive episode, but hopefully now I’ll have the BPD off my back and can focus on dealing with/living with depression until I find a medication that helps and doesn’t hinder me.

DWP/ATOS nil; Me WON.