Honesty…

…is the best policy.

Sorry for the lack of blogs last week.  I got busy painting my bathroom (it’s now a lovely shade of blue, with sparkly white tiles and nice accessories) and then spending time with the Porglets. We had a lovely weekend playing games (Monopoly, anyone?), making things together and watching the DVD of Fame (a production I took part in in 2012). Yesterday included a visit to Granny and Grandad’s with a yummy lunch and bike riding thrown in. Maximus went great guns down the road; Minimus is still getting the hang of balancing without stabilisers. She’s so close but not quite there yet! At least she kept on giggling as she wobbled along with Granny clutching her jacket behind.

It all sounds nice and fun and positive, doesn’t it?

That’s the sneaky nature of depression. You can have a productive week; an activity filled weekend; spend time with your family and friends…and you still feel miserable at the end of the day. There’s no rhyme or reason for it and that makes it more frustrating and more upsetting. “You shouldn’t be feeling like this after a day like that” runs through your mind, beating up your already fragile self-esteem and confidence.

Last night I was tearful on the phone with Lovely Boyfriend, and I was still feeling blue when I got ready for bed. Blue to the point of wondering what would happen if I swallowed all my trazadone tablets and not really caring for the outcome. I didn’t (obviously), but thoughts like that are truly frightening because they come from nowhere and you don’t honestly want to act upon them. It takes a great deal more courage and strength to NOT take the tablets than give in, and it left me wishing for a deep sleep to escape from the thought that wasn’t my own.

I’m still feeling tearful and depressed today, but I’m trying to keep myself busy with my blogs and preparing Ragnar for sending to a few literary agents (although that’s a double-edged sword because it’s 99.99% likely to be rejected). But I’m being honest because you have to be with mental health. When you’re not honest about how you’re really feeling, and eventually you DO take those tablets or cut yourself or whatever you do to get rid of the thoughts you have difficulty controlling, that’s when people turn against you. The cries of “but we had no idea” and “why didn’t you TELL me?” are the first steps to being stigmatised and mistrusted by the very people you were trying to avoid hurting by telling them how you were feeling in the first place. The people you need in order to feel better about yourself.

I will always be honest on this blog; because the more of us who tell it as it truly is, the more our friends and family may come to understand how warped and broken our minds are. The more we explain our thoughts and feelings, the more other people may come to understand how much we have to fight the thoughts that aren’t our own but magically appear in our heads despite our own wishes.

And in the spirit of honesty, I’m now going to curl up on the sofa with the telly and a tub of ice-cream until it’s time to collect the Porglets from school. Watching TV isn’t something people do because they’re depressed and can’t be bothered doing anything else, by the way (at least not for me). Watching TV fills my mind with stuff other than how I’m feeling so I don’t wallow in the thoughts (Distraction Techniques are all part of DBT; followed by talking things through and working out ways of fighting the depression in a healthy way). It’s got to be better than staring at the kitchen knives, right?

Stay safe in whatever way works for you. For me, it involves chocolate and a blanket, and I feel better at the thought already!

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