…the time of year when S.A.D starts to lift and most people find it easier to get things done.
I say most people because there are still loads of us out there whose depression doesn’t change with the weather, and my BPD is still as unpredictable as the weather itself.
Last week was the week of learning not to be scared of going for a bicycle ride. Lovely Boyfriend took me out 4 times in total. I blogged about the first experience…classic BPD meltdown. After that, however, my head accepted I could do it and off I went with only a few false starts and stops. By Sunday, the only thing stopping me were cars and aching thighs. I get a little further down the road each time; slow and steady progress.
Am I proud of myself? Not long-term. I have to really think about it to feel anything. I lose the feeling as soon as I stop the activity; that’s my depression. At my worst I feel everything or nothing.
After certain events later on Sunday night, I felt everything AND nothing at the same time. I spent yesterday sleeping to stop my brain from coming up with innovative and stupid methods to feel something; I think my head’s got around it today but I can’t say for sure as I’m still in bed.
This is the bit of living with depression I hate. I’m hoping my CPN will be able to make a few suggestions on Friday. I’ll keep you all posted.