I have come to the conclusion…

…that my brain is, basically, #&/%@*–!!!?#@.

Every 5 or 6 years, regardless of what my permanently broken BPD brain is doing, I get depressed. There doesn’t have to be a trigger, I’ve come to realise over the past weeks; it just happens. It’s like a cell turning cancerous: you don’t ask the person why it turned cancerous at that point in time. It just happens.

Accepting my diagnosis of BPD was difficult, but it was the key to my “recovery” (you never fully recover because your brain is always broken, but you learn to handle it). Not blaming myself was good; not fighting the fact it was there.

I have to do the same now with my “recurrent depressive disorder”. It’s not BPD; it’s a BOGOF (born with one mental disorder, get one free). I don’t want it but I don’t have any say in the matter.

So: every 5 to 6 years, my brain chemistry will go do-lally and stop me from enjoying a perfectly enjoyable life. It will make me have psychotic thoughts of burning myself or taking an overdose. It will tire me out and prevent me getting on with life the way I want to (apologies to everyone waiting on more stories from Ragnar and his Horde).

It’s not that I’m choosing to be depressed (who chooses this?); it’s simply the fact my brain is #*%@@+/&?!!


5 thoughts on “I have come to the conclusion…

  1. That sounds rough. On that whole, “who chooses to be depressed thing,” I think that there is a little bit of an lack of proper framing on the idea. It should more be conveyed as, “I am depressed and it’s awful and I am choosing not to do things that might elevate my mood.” For instance, when you feel your cycle swinging around and you know you’re screwed because you’re broken and there is nothing you can do about it, what if the Hollywood hottie of your dreams called, said that you’re the hottest thing they’ve ever seen and want to take you wherever in the world you would want to go. I would guess that you would choose the all expenses paid luxury trip and see an elevation in mood. That ain’t going to happen, most likely, but there are other things that can elevate mood. Have you ever read anything about choice theory?

    • I’m guessing choice therapy is similar/the same as Behavioural Activation? I know that doing stuff can elevate mood and do try; I haven’t completely given up on life! My point is more that by accepting the fact my brain is broken in more ways than one, it’s easier for me to get on with what I can…I forgot to mention that although these depressive periods “only” happen every 5/6 years, they last for more than a year and often closer to two. By accepting these facts, rather than fighting or trying to work out a non-existent trigger, I can get on better in my own journey and not blame myself for my thoughts and feelings.

  2. Stacey, I’m sorry to hear things are difficult right now. This might not come over well, but I wanted to share my perspective having had BPD because it’s radically different and you might find it worthwhile. After being diagnosed with BPD with all 9 symptoms, I never viewed my brain as permanently broken, and after 6-7 years in therapy, I fully recovered (not saying this to rub it in your face, I think you can do it too). For the last few years, I’ve been free of borderline symptoms, not to say life is always easy of course, but it’s been much happier and more fulfilling.
    I totally rejected the biological-genetic model which says that BPD is inborn and can only be mitigated, not removed. My experience and my research indicates that many borderlines have recovered to the point where they are essentially normal, having no remaining borderline symptoms and being emotionally healthy for the long term. That is where I am today.
    Also, I do not accept the BPD diagnosis in the way that many people do. I view BPD as a subjective, seriously flawed name given to serious developmental issues existing on a continuum or spectrum of emotional problems. In psychodynamic terms, it reflects the constant heavy use of splitting with a predominance of all-negative views of self and others. As a medical disorder, BPD has little validity, as I often write about on my blog. That was a positive thing for me, because I found little utility to the label. I know that others experience it differently.

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